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Ten Random Things About Me

1. I don't wear any socks unless its long stockings.

2. I eat the same breakfast everyday 6-7 times a week - 4 pcs of bacon, boiled egg, hash brown with ketchup

3. For one reason I've stopped drinking cold drinks. I only drink tea now and sometimes my SB latte. Strange, I used to not drink enough liquid but now I drink lots.

4. I don't drink water - bottled/tap. Unless its Fiji water I'm not drinking. :P

5. I was a very quiet kid growing up. I don't know why.

6. I lived in a bubble when I was in elementary school. I thought all families were the same as mine. A nuclear family. Little did I know there's a whole different world out there.

7. My first experience with death was my school's friend AS in grade 8. Her mother passed away suddenly from a brain hemorrhage. It was so sad. I remember seeing her mother couple days before her passing. She was helping us with our science project. She looked perfectly healthy. Then the next week, she was not in class and we were told her mom passed away. She called me to tell me details of the funeral. I attended. I remember the mirrors in her hallway were all covered up. Gawd, I didn't know what to say to her but I'm sorry.

8. I love violent and bloody movies. No sappy movies please. - Django Unchained, Seven, Fight Club, Black Swan

9. I collect things that people have written to me. Some back from elementary school days, get well cards, Birthday cards, Christmas cards, postcards from adventures, notes exchanges from Willowbrook days. I still have them all. :)

10. I feel my time is running out soon. Going to ask my doc what my prognosis is. However I don't think he can give me an answer. If I KO tomorrow I think I may be fine with it cuz living now really sucks.

Butter Pound Cake

Pound cake has always been a favourite of mine since I was a child. There was this one brand that made it deliciously good that is sold only at Longos. It comes in a white box. They bake several other baked goods too such as their soft chocolate chip cookies, chocolate cake, etc. I also notice the price increase as long went by. I think it retails for about $7 last I checked.

I also finally purchased a Artisan 5-Quart Stand Mixer in Onyx Black. Something I have wanted for a long time but wasn't sure to take the plunge to purchase it. They have a rebate program for the Mixer series for $80. So in the end I only pay $316.34 - $80 = $236.34 which I think is a pretty good deal!

So far I've only tested it twice with same recipe. I like it. I'm going to test a few others that require yogurt and or buttermilk.

Vanilla Pound Cake - By The Canadian Living Test Kitchen

Source: http://www.canadianliving.com/food/vanilla_pound_cake.php


Bakers of all stripes want this classic in their collection – as well as their freezer. A true pound cake relies on beating each egg thoroughly since there's no baking powder. This is a good time to use imitation vanilla extract, because there is less flavour evaporation than with pure vanilla extract.

Ingredients
1 cup (250 mL) unsalted butter
1-1/2 cups (375 mL) granulated sugar
5 eggs
2 tbsp (30 mL) milk
1 tbsp (15 mL) artificial vanilla extract or pure vanilla extract

1/2 tsp (2 mL) salt
2 cups (500 mL) sifted cake and pastry flourPreparation

Line 9- x 5-inch (2 L) loaf pan with double layer parchment paper; set aside.

In large bowl, beat butter until light and fluffy; beat in sugar until combined. Beat in eggs, 1 at time and beating each for 1 minute. Beat in milk, vanilla and salt. Stir in flour until no longer streaky. Scrape into prepared pan, smoothing top.

Bake in centre of 325°F (160°C) oven until cake tester inserted in centre comes out clean, about 1-1/4 hours.

Let cool in pan on rack for 30 minutes. Turn out, right side up, onto rack; let cool completely. (Make-ahead: Wrap in plastic wrap and store for up to 2 days. Or overwrap with heavy-duty foil and freeze for up to 2 weeks.)

It's Almost 6AM and I can't Fall Asleep

What is wrong with me!? I am having Zipoclone withdrawal. My insurance denied to pay for my refill because I am refilling it too early - 6 days early. Smart little fuckers. I have a 30 day supply. On some nights I double up because I just can't sleep. Apparently, I'm not allowed to do that because then I won't have enough pills to last the 30 days.

It's been 3 nights of being awake at this godly hour. I can't believe I'm so attached to his drug. I don't even believe it works that well as there are still some nights where I don't sleep till 5AM. Nothing as bad as these past 3 nights where I've been awake till 9AM or so. I have 5 days left.

I've been stubborn for not wanting to pay full price for the drug but I guess I give up. I need my Zipoclone.

My doc also told me not to take double dosage so I guess I'll stop that.

I seriously believe it's my shitty lungs that prevents me from sleeping...

The Worst Year of my Life Review

A recap in review for 2012

Jan
- started going to work on time 10-5pm for 3 days a week
- Hooray Frankster is in town. We had family dinner at Magic Wok. First time!
- KaKa came to visit from Seattle. I fainted when she arrived and she did CPR. EMS to rescue.
- Stayed 2 weeks at York Central, declined to go to St. Michaels and went home to rest. In retrospect perhaps I should have gone to St. Michaels. Whatever.

Feb
- attended Dennis and Ramona's wedding. My voice has not return so I was completely mute.

March
- My cousin Esther and her husband came to visit me from Edmonton. Fun week of activities.
- Shortly after they left, I had episode of massive hemoptysis and passed out. EMS was called and I stayed at York Central for 2 weeks then transferred to St.Michaels ICU for 1 week then 1 week in 6Bond. I was intubation for almost 3 weeks. I was pretty nerve racking when they extubate me. The ICU team were doing their rounds and there were at least 6-8 doctors surrounding me. I told them I was nervous and asked for them to leave. The RT removed the tape then pulled the tube out. I closed my eyes. When I saw the tube out it was rather short. There biggest concern was that I wouldn't be able to breathe on my own. But I did OK. Remained on the bipap for the next few days.
- 3 people died in ICU while I was there. Although when I told my mom to ask the nurse she said they did not die? WTF. They closed their blinds all night. In the morning someone came to take the body away. Please tell me I was not hallucinating!?

April
- Dora and I attended Oprah Lifeclass Tour at the Metro Convention Centre. It was fantastic and we were treated VIP style. Hehe! We were upgraded to Row10 from the stage. Mind you there were 10,000s of people jammed packed in one room.
- told work I can not return so I remain on leave of absence indefinitely. Yay benefits. Bye bye to the working world. :(

May
- first evening out this year. Attended Cheryl's bachelorette party at El Convento Rico (gay bar). Fun times.
- attended PH Golf Kids to raise funds for PHA Canada

June
- toss and turn on deciding if I should go to Florida for the International PH Conference. I had a chronic cough but in the recent weeks it started to get better thanks to the codeine. So yes, I decided to go
- after hours of flight delays we finally made it to Orlando. 48 hrs in Orlando!
- reunited with all the PHA Canada gang
- started taking 7.5mg Zipoclone

July
- G's birthday bash at the Mansion
- Kelly's baby shower for baby Lucas
- bought a treadmill but I hardly use it. It's now my living room decoration
- went to Coldplay Mylo Xyloto concert with hooeyJ - best fuckin concert ever!
- my birthday - invited the guys over and I cooked them a full meal
- Auberge du Pommier birthday date with Dora

August
- Yve's bridal shower
- Yve's wedding reception
- Denny&Ramona's baby shower with the bouncy castle
- Kat's baby shower
- Scarpetta date with Frankster

Sept
- feeling emo. Don't remember what happen this month

Oct
- PC and Nancy wedding reception
- Uncle in town for 5 days, went out to eat nonstop at Terroni, Yangs, Magic Wok, Solo Sushi.
- watched Amaluna Cirque du Soleli

Nov
- Vegas Night fundraiser raised over $11,000 for PHA Canada. I personally started contacting companies requesting for donations in July and received over $2,000 worth of items!
- 6 Minute Walk for Breath was a success

Dec
- went to One of a Kind Show to buy $70 worth of shortbread cookies
- finally got my stupid hair cut and donated to Pantanee
- hot pot for Christmas with cousins, and Frankster's family

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People Come into Your Path for a Reason, Season, or Lifetime.

I came across this poem and really liked it. So I thought I'd share:

People Come into Your Path for a Reason, Season, or Lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do with that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON it is to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty…
To provide you with guidance and support…
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually…
They may seem like they are a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die…
Sometimes they walk away…
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand….
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled…
Their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has now been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON.
Because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons.
Things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life…
Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime

~ unknown author

Christmas is Around the Corner

Can't believe it's Christmas in just two days. I've always like this time of the year. The togetherness of families and friends it brings. When we were younger it was always my family that hosts the big Christmas dinner. 5-6 families would come to our house to for big dinner, older grandparents would play ma-jong all night and the kids would just mingle and play. We would almost always cook the same foods for as long as I can remember. A roast beef with gravy, sweet corn, cooked ham, potatoes, rice, vegetables, garlic bread and a lasagna.

After my mom and dad split in 2005, I moved into a smaller house with my brother and dad. We no longer have the extended family dinner over for Christmas. Everyone have grown up now, my cousins are married, and one just had a baby boy. I'm actually the next in line to get married. Ha! Not happening. It is strange now because the only time I'll see my extended family will be on Chinese New Year and at funerals.

This year we are having a small dinner at my mom's place. Including my cousin family, grandma, great aunt and great uncle and F and his family. We are not doing our traditional roast but will be doing a Hot Pot!

Oh, and I've been getting questions on my emo comment I made on Facebook today: Why do people give each other gifts on Christmas Day? Unless you can get me a pair of new lungs, please do not get me anything.

I just don't get why people get so stressed about finding a gift and shopping mad at the mall. !!!???!!

I only purchased for three people his year so consider you three my favorite people. Hahahaha. And they are not my family. We don't do gifts.

So happy holiday and merry Christmas to all. Thank you to following along our journey.

Off with Your Hair

I want to write more but my life is so boring now there is nothing to talk about. Oh, I know, let me share with you my shitty experience at the hair salon last week. I finally decided to cut off my hair. All 18" of it. Pretty bold move as I never had hair this short before. =(

I purchased a Groupon for a haircut and colour. Book appointment and arrived on time. The lady saw me and said she will not colour my hair because I was wearing oxygen. Wtf! I understand that the strong smell can irritate you but I had my hair colored before and it was not a problem.

She said she would only color my hair if I bought a doctor letter. Uhh no, I'm not coming back with a note. Fine, so I asked if they can colour my mom's hair instead. She said, NO, can not open a separate file. Wtf bitch! She showed no compassionate whatsoever. I think she was the manager too.

How convenient for them that the service is already paid for. I'm pretty sure if I was a regular customer they would have no problem taking my money. I am so pisssed! I am still so pissed thinking about it. Isn't this like discrimination!?

I emailed Groupon about my experience and waiting for their response. I would be happy with a refund and a blast on the intarweb bad mouthing this salon. I already wrote angry comments on yelp, yellowpages, and ratemysalon.

fuck!

In Passing, Life will Go On.

Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death. - Unknown

Like it or not, death is a part of every life. We will all die.

Would you want to know if you had a terminal illness? Would you want to know how long you had to live? What, you don't want to think about that? You plan on living for ever?

The truth is we are all susceptible to having a tragic illness hit us at any time. How would you handle it? There really is no one right answer that covers everybody. It's too personal, too private, too emotional and very individual. So what does this have to do with anything? Why would somebody write about something so taboo?

Surely I must know nobody wants to think of their own immortality. Well, I'm not sure why I am writing this, I just felt I had too. Maybe it might help somebody who's struggling with dying so they won't feel alone or think that nobody could possibly understand. Well I DO understand, because.... I'm dying. And I do think about death.

One difference between planning your career or your lifestyle, and preparing for the time when you will not be here anymore, is that your death is definite. It will happen. It happens to all living things eventually. You may change your mind about your career several times over your life, but death is a certainty. Thinking about death is not morbid. It is being practical.

Be positive and pragmatic about your death. Plan how you are going to use every minute in the meantime, to live. Let it be your reason to stop procrastinating and to do the things you want and need to do. Let it be your reason for not wasting the precious time you have, because that time is limited. It is also valuable. Once spent, it is gone forever. You want to eat that 8oz steak? Go for it. You want to buy that Chanel purse? Go for it. Want to go see the ballet? Go for it. Do all the things you want to do now rather than later. Stop procrastating. We all need to live in the moment.

Use your time wisely to help other people and to enjoy the opportunities this world has to offer. Keep in mind that when you move on, you’ll be taking with you exactly what you came with -- nothing but your spirit and your soul. The knowledge and memory of experiences you have gained in this world are yours, but no material acquisitions will go with you. That Chanel bag you purchase will not matter. But I think if its something you really want and can afford, you should go for it. Haha. Whatever makes you happy.

Imagine if you were told that you were going to die and that you had only 3 months to live. How would you feel? What would be your concerns? Your fears? Is there anyone in your life you could talk to about these things? Or would you find yourself emotionally isolated like so many dying people do, because death is a taboo subject in our society? Be the first person to help change this situation.

Not thinking or talking about death will not prevent it. You can prolong your life through healthful safe living, but you cannot prevent it. Be a comfort to someone who knows their time is very short. Help them make peace with what they cannot change. Find a way to make peace with death yourself.

We all die. Just a matter of when. Sometimes I feel I have months, or many years, other times I feel I have days left. Lately, I've been going to bed not knowing if I'll wake up the next morning. Sad, I know. However, I have been feeling slightly better than Sept-Oct.

Let's hope for a better new year because 2012 was really shit. And I thought 2011 was bad! Jesus!

I know this is a morbid topic. I am not depressed. I am a realist.

Invisible Illness Week (Sept 10-16) : 30 Things Meme - Emily

30 THINGS ABOUT MY INVISIBLE ILLNESS YOU MAY NOT KNOW – 30 THINGS MEME
(Stolen from my comrade in arms: Lo. Read her's here)

1. The illness I live with is: Pulmonary hypertension secondary undiagnosed lung disease and idiopathic from birth

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: August 2007

3. But I had symptoms since: 1989

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Realizing I need help sometimes

5. Most people assume: people with PH look healthy, it is easy to forget we are very sick and feel like hell most of the time

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Learning how to breath all over again every day. And not having one ounce of energy even though it is the morning..oh, and we usually are insomniacs

7. My favorite medical TV show is: The Voice…wish I could have one

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: iPhone…I am a convert

9. The hardest part about nights are: feeling alone

10. Each day I take: 8 prescription pills and 9 supliments, 22 pills in total

11. Regarding alternative treatments have recently discovered Naturopathic medicine which has alleviated some med side effects

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose:
Probably invisible. Like a ninja. – just going to copy that, I love Lo’s answer!

13. Regarding working and career: Still managing to work as a Social Worker – my trade..for as long as I can. Spend my days taking care of people living with HIV/AIDS..takes my mind off of PH for awhile

14. People would be surprised to know: I seem very strong on the outside partly because it is my nature and my work, but also because I loathe pity. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me…ever! However, I have feelings, and I feel pain very often. I am a very sensitive person when it comes to acutely feeling other peoples pain as well as my own..

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Giving up some semblance of independence, and having to rely on others. Having to slow down and learning how to say ‘no’ even to my family sometimes, which is really hard.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Work. Help others.

17. The commercials about my illness: Revatio is a drug to treat PH. REVATIO contains the same medicine as VIAGRA® (sildenafil), which is used to treat erectile dysfunction (impotence). Hehe. Ravatio 20mg is takn 3 times a day. Viagara is 25/50/100mg dosage as needed. ;)…just to add…unfortunately there are no ‘happy’ side-effects…Lo was probably too modest to fess up…lol!

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Having the freedom to just ‘take off’ and wander the world alone

19. It was really hard to have to give up: booze for 2 years while on chemo…athleticism later on

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: nothing really, just doing more reading!

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Lol! I love Lo’s answer…so something similar…jump out of bed, go for a run, walk all over town (market’s, shopping, etc.) Go sno-boarding in the winter, and yeah…wake up next to some yummy man who loves me☺

22. My illness has taught me: “Never take your friends and family for granted. I am so grateful for them. Love for all the do for me. Live as it’s your last day” - Lo. I am just going to second that..

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: You don’t look sick..

24. But I love it when people: Recognize me for all of the other awesome thing that make me who I am. Not just defining me by my illness.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: “There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time”.
Malcolm X

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Don’t believe all the Doctors tell you. I lived 4 years longer than they said I would…and accept love.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: “It is not just old grandparents age that lives with illness. Younger people too”. – Lo…well said, I concur

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Sitting by my bedside and keeping me company

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: There are other out there just like me and we all need support!

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: STOKED!! Lol!

- Emily